Laughing, Crying

Well I have been editing and revising this post all night – I am really struggling! I might have to delete it and start all over! I think (and write) about what happens to me now, more than I ever did. I am at a point in my life where I am involved with some people that consume me in ways that are wonderful or frightening, and always overwhelming. I believe it’s my last chance to learn anything about ‘me’ – since I never looked at myself directly before. One big issue for me is why I am the way I am, in regards to my sexual self.  But it has also shaped my entire life in significant ways.  So I feel it’s high time for me to have an honest look at who I am in this regard.  It’s a topic I always played around with, and always joked and laughed and quipped and just messed with sexy stuff all the time, and most everyone I know – I think – enjoys my sensuous behavior and comments, and we all laugh about how I am.

I love sex and I love males and I want sex and so I am very open about it.  Wait – NO! Just stop right there:  I know what you may be thinking – and I am absolutely not a nymphomaniac – but oh, I do celebrate sex!  But no, I am not ‘crazed’ over having it.  Well, there are days or nights when I do feel a little crazy with wanting it!  But mainly, I feel incredibly lucky to have such fabulous sex in my life now, as I know full well that it’s a rare and special luxury – a gift which few are treated to!  But yet, I also and often have been victimized by it.  There are so many aspects of my own sexuality I have not talked about openly – even with those closest to me.  It’s because there are parts of me – well, very strong feelings and potent secrets – which I have felt quite unsure about – even at times ashamed about.  I say again – I KNOW it’s not my fault, but I FEEL like I make it happen. And that makes a serious conflict for me, regarding self acceptance.

I honestly do NOT feel that it was I who chose this path of feeling and responding.  It’s rather complex, but I do think that the ‘way I am’ has in some ways been implanted – maybe even imposed – upon me, and yet I also feel that in other ways it touched on something truly inherent within me.  I am trying to make some kind of sense of it all.

I know it’s a topic that many people are not at ease with – I myself am trying very earnestly and very honestly to sort out how I feel about what I have done and about what has happened to me.

I am a person of ethics and convictions, but suddenly my ‘morals’ do not exist in the ways that I was taught.  I have, or have had, strong beliefs, about how to live.  But now I am in completely uncharted territory – I feel that I have fallen down the proverbial rabbit hole, and gone right ‘through the looking-glass’… things are upside-down, backwards…  And I repeat – I find myself on a yellow brick road of my own – I’m in some personal version of the Land of Oz, in a maze of smoke and mirrors, and exploring to find my way in all of it. Wishing for all to turn out well, but knowing I am not in ‘Kansas anymore’ for sure!  I simply don’t know what to expect or where to turn…

I know I am a good person and a capable, kind, honest, caring and rational person.  Basically I like myself: I feel quite confident in so many areas of my ability and I can do and have done lots of worthwhile and relevant things. I care so much about good people, animals and the natural world with all my heart.  I always will do all I can to try to make good things happen for anyone – any good person – whose life touches mine.  I love to sing and to dance and to laugh!  I love being happy and sharing the joy I feel in life all the time.  People do see that – it is just so real and so complete for everything about me, and they respond very warmly.  I feel deeply about others and I do agonize and also cry a lot and so easily about the horrors of what happens to so many people, and so many animals, and to so much of our beautiful planet, because I can do nothing much to change or help make things better.

But at this time of my life, there is a new and different symphony being played by a new and different orchestra.  It is reverberating very loudly in the music hall of my world.  It is a composition that has been created by someone in another realm – and it is guiding my daily life more than I could ever have imagined.  This I do believe. It is so utterly exciting, so mind-blowing and so incredibly thrilling – well, I want to share it.  Yes, I want to tell others and frankly I can’t seem not to!  It is so much on the forefront of my mind that it is also on my tongue in less than a twinkling, as soon as someone asks casually, “How are you?”  That’s all it takes – and – well it all comes bubbling out unless I make a colossal effort not to allow it!  

First of all, I am ‘sharing’ it with myself.   For most of my life I actually did not look myself in the eye about how I was behaving, why it happened that way and what motive I may have had – if any – or whether it had any significance or anything. I mostly just glossed over it all.  I just meandered down the path of what seemed to present itself before me.  But now – because what is going on is really pretty astonishing, I am being forced to face it in ways I never expected to before.  It is so bizarre in so many aspects that everyone who hears even a bit of it is amazed at the facts.  And it is all tied to my past, to my character, to my whole being; so I know I need to spend some serious time and effort to figure out what I can with all of it.  A strange journey for me – and one I must take. What I will talk about first are the times that have now come up as significant to me in the ways that have had an impact on what sort of person I am.  And I find that I keep remembering more and more , so I will review and insert more detail as time goes by, and the account will then obviously have to be modified or changed in certain ways accordingly.

To begin with, I think it relevant and singular, that so very many of my childhood experiences had such a clear and intense sexual element, and all of it had a flavor of someone controlling me.  It was not only a ‘flavor’, but a strong and central theme that is undeniably compelling.  I recognize that that sort of stuff clings to one’s psyche forever. 

One issue for me at this point, as I embark on my own personal exploration of myself – my past, my present and the make-up of my being, is this: Why am I still like that?  Why did I allow it, and why do I still?  Do I want this kind of control over me?  I have to say that I do. It is exciting, it is ‘all over me’ and it has an effect I cannot deny. It’s all encompassing and therefore extremely troubling. I want to understand: why, after all that I have learned about relationships, all I have accomplished as a strong woman, all I have done to be competent and capable – why, why, why – do I still want it?

 So I sit at my computer and work. I began all this in May, 2015.  I have a strong need to tell others, to talk about all of this on a one-to one basis; of course it can only happen with a select set of other people.  I can’t divulge this sort of stuff to just anyone!  But I have a real compulsion to tell people about it, and hopefully, to get some feedback, perhaps even some advice and certainly some interesting commentary that will assist me – and maybe whoever I can communicate with – to try to understand, to realize more, the why and wherefore about many things.

For one point of interest, here is a bit of information from one source about my birthday and related stuff!  Fun!  Of course you know how I enjoy all this sort of thing!   And I am impressed with this version, as it clearly refers to all the ‘love’ stuff, the powers of attraction and how dominant a theme it is with me – well, it’s pretty much true I feel:

BIRTHDAYS:   (no I won’t tell when!)  ‘ You who are born on this day side with the proletariat and tend to feel akin to the underdog.  You are facile with languages and you tend to have several ways of using a convincing manner with others. You do need a support system in managing your affairs of life, as you do not attend to practical matters.  You always cultivate and create a healthy sense of humor.’

Ok. I will take these points one at a time: section by section

Yes I care a lot about the ‘regular’ people, and I do gravitate to causes and issues that affect ordinary lives. I have a strong sense of justice. I am outraged at the wrongs that have been done and continue to be done to those without much power.

And – yes, I am silly with money. I do not know how to deal with it – and I really am not comfortable with ‘high living’… I do not even like fancy stuff, nor do I care about it at all.

NUMBERS AND PLANETS:   ‘Ruled by the number 6, and the planet VENUS, you are magnetic at attracting love and admiration.  LOVE is the dominant theme in your life, but usually you are on the receiving end and more rarely given.  VENUS is strongly connected to social interaction and you work well with others.’

So, about this part: yes – somehow I do indeed attract others. It seems genuine. It happens with both men and women, children and animals! I want to be liked and I seem to be; in matters of LOVE or SEX – I like many people, but when it comes to sex – I have felt distant with many guys. Only two men have really shaken my world; tell you more later!

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Essentially, what I am doing here is writing about what I have been remembering some very potent incidents from my childhood and girlhood.  I’ll get to my grown-up life later. I have already said something in another day’s entry along these lines – but I am not a stable grown-up! No, no, no! ‘Cause most people actually do behave like adults!  That is, they are sensible, careful, logical… But I am so openly emotional, I cry easily, laugh easily. I do not remember or follow rules much. I ‘transgress’ a lot. I mean, not in a hurtful way – but I do stuff like a kid!  I think that’s one reason I cannot lie very well; I actually am too open and impulsive when I say or do things. Can’t hide my emotions or my intent. And I need to say ‘I’m sorry’ quite a bit sometimes! I try to accommodate others a lot – which puts me in a very unusual place most of the time.

Published by rozhinka

I am a writer, artist and a woman who is exploring and reflecting on many things. In writing this very personal Diary of Secrets and Fantasies, I am looking backwards in trying to understand myself - and I am looking forward in exploring new paths of pleasure and possibilities. It's a precarious and precious journey. It's already been quite surprising - and often shocking.

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