As I am writing and reviewing and editing my very vivid and persistent memories, I already know, and it must likewise be fully evident to anyone reading this, how very quickly and how very deeply the twisted roots of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ become entwined in the psyche and the physical essence of a child. It’s easy to see. The physical sensations of sexual touching are so very irresistible and so delicious, that the body awakens to it fully and immediately: the response is intense. Yet the sense of emotional anxiety and forbidden activities that surrounds the experience is likewise overwhelming. It causes a strange effect – and in my view, the child feels several things: it’s scary, secretive, seductive and sensuous. This combination is so potent, that anyone who has been molested and/or abused in these ways can never really get past it entirely. This is how I felt, and part of me is stuck forever in that place in some ways.
And if it only happens once or twice, and it’s a relatively minor incident, well – maybe it’s more possible to push the experience far into that cave which all of us have, of untouched memories. But when it happens over and over and continues into youth and adulthood – well – all I can say is, it’s IN you. It’s in you in every fiber of your emotional and physical being. You can no more change anything than you can cut off your own head.
That’s how I feel, and that’s why I am so vulnerable. That is why it is so easy for me to be victimized and why – I have to be honest – I don’t refuse it and somehow I kind of ‘want’ it. I do get genuinely excited by men’s desire for me – and so I let myself ‘in’ for what they seem to like to do to me. I want men to want me and to do what they want with me. I guess it seems kind of like an addiction? But I do not feel like a ‘sex addict’. I do not go seeking all this stuff – it just sort of ‘happens‘. Yes – there’s something about me…
Yet, I do however have a dream of romance! I do want that magical ‘fairy tale’ world too! I want a guy to be all charming and chivalrous, and treat me like a queen … but I want him to ravish me too! So I am really good at teasing and luring men to want me, and I am terrific at being a temptress, being adorably appealing in a way that has that essence of a child-woman creature. I am so naturally good at it by now! I have all sorts of games to play, combinations of innocence and sauciness, softness and brattiness, come-on’s and stop-it’s! I do not ever think about any move I make or word I say for even one second –I think it’s all well-programmed in me. Well – it also may well have been ‘hard-wired’ in me – ah! you see, that’s the 1,000,000 dollar question! Which came first? Ah, which indeed! I am fully aware of being incredibly lucky in that no-one really did anything unbelievably cruel, like beat or torture me, or God forbid, kill me … I guess I ought to be so grateful that they wanted me to be no more than a sexual toy. They were just using my intrinsic compliance for their own needs. And so I am what I am.