First Secrets

First Secrets

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

BLOG 1 ~ 11-2019  “Early Times – About the First Secrets…”

I am going to get naked here.  Emotionally!  It’s starting to get light – and I have not slept… just can’t sleep.  There are two kinds of things I need to talk about – my deepest secrets and my fantasy dream world.

Thinking about how I seem to have quite a lot of men in my life – men who really like me, men who want to ‘know me’ – ha-ha! Yes, in various ways.  Trying to sort out what makes it happen so often and so easily.  It makes me think deeply about the kind of person I am, the things I do in my present life now, and why I did some of those things I did in my past.

I promise to be entirely honest.  No sense in being anything else – is there?!

For starters, I will probe my earliest secrets, although really, I do not want to return to those places from many years back.  It’s so long ago and I think ‘what’s the point’… yet my head is full of things – actually mostly things that were done TO me. Yet I let it be, I let it all happen.  And – here’s the rub: I feel like I kind of MADE it happen.  So, I’m trying to figure that stuff out.  Actually, I do see it as a kind of power and a kind of vulnerability at one and the same time.  Or maybe I do not understand what it is at all.  Ok, actually, I don’t. 

Well, but is there anyone who doesn’t have a problem at times with sex? Not that I know of!  So, going back to early memories, since they keep popping into my mind, I may as well accept the situation and look it in the eye, so to speak.

Since I was about three years old, I knew I liked men. A lot. I just noticed them in a way that was not the same as how I noticed females. There was an entirely different sensation that I felt about men and boys; it was just part of how I always was.  And I have had some feelings at times, over the years, with attractions to women, but very rarely.  I can indeed appreciate the beauty of females, and I admit I like it if a woman seems attracted to me, but I do not really want anything beyond that.  A few times though, some things did indeed go beyond – more than merely a look or a touch…  But so very many more things took place with boys and men.  I still remember the sensations, the good parts and the – other parts.

I guess I just like being desired, and anyone that shows that to me, well, I feel something inside me stirring somehow…  But there’s another aspect about me that I’m very aware of and no two ways about it. I feel it’s something important for me to comprehend; yet I do NOT.   

And – I am sorry, because I know some people reading this will immediately be offended or feel defensive… but I have to say this:  there are kids who really do have something ‘special’ in them or ‘about’ them somehow and it IS a quality that attracts people in a sexual way.

Please understand me:  I am surely not saying that they have this trait on purpose – clearly, it’s not their fault at all.  It is just that way.   So I think I have this characteristic about me, because of all the many things that have occurred over the span of my life. 

And as for those of us who have that “quality” or “curse” or “gift” — well, when we grow up, if we are honest and really think about it, we know it; and we do acknowledge it. We have to. Yet that does not mean we ever understand it.  But when we’re little – well – we do not know what it is or why we are ‘like that’.  We simply ‘have it’ and we live with it all our lives.  To me, it is still always a mystery in many ways, and that is the truth.  As far as I can remember, I have always had a sort of vague ‘unconscious’ sense, and later a more ‘aware and conscious’ sense, of my own sexuality.  But I surely do not ‘cultivate’ it!  I just accept it about myself now.  You see, it never, ever seemed devious, just purely inherent and totally natural. 

Yes; at three years old, I actually remember having what I now believe – and what I intuitively know – were budding sexual feelings for a fully grown man, someone who was a friend of my parents.  G. was dark-haired, dark olive skin and he had very handsome features.  Always very sweet to me, he never did anything like try to look at me or touch me in any inappropriate way. Nothing at all like that.  Always, he smiled and was kind, patted my head, greeted me cheerfully, as any nice grown-up treats a child.  Yet it was I – the CHILD – who seemed to want more – how or why I don’t understand – not in the least!

How do I know I was only three?  Because I was home in mid-day and I started Kindergarten at age 4, so I was younger than that.  It’s my best guess anyway. 

But one day, when G. was at our house, I recall looking at him and just beckoning him with my plump little hand to come with me.  He seemed amused and got up from the sofa where he was waiting for my mother to bring him some tea and cake, as she had just offered him some.  My mother was in the tiny kitchen and from where she was she did not see us.  

I easily got this man to get up and follow me to my room a few yards away and out of sight.  He was entirely clueless.  I was a little child after all!  He had never, ever given me any signals of any sort, so what was independently stirring in my little girl mind was none of his doing.  I am sure he thought I had some silly toy to show him, or some other childish thing, I suppose.  Anyway, when he came into my room I pointed to my mouth with my fat little finger, and lifted my face for a kiss!  I was entirely silent, spoke no words – just looked up at him, expectantly.  He was so surprised!  His eyes grew big in shock and his cheeks actually flushed, his face fell and he just stared at me.  Then he shook his head firmly ‘No!’ in utter disbelief.  He was clearly confused, embarrassed and truly at a loss as to how to react.  He turned away quickly and went back to the sofa.  

But I sulked in my room for an hour.  I was genuinely hurt, as I couldn’t understand why he did not kiss me.   I too, had NO ulterior motive or intent – I just knew that I liked him and I wanted his mouth to touch me.  It was just a desire and an impulse – and never for one tiny moment had I thought or planned or contemplated anything else. 

What was odd – and it still does strike me as odd – is that it was I, the little child, who felt the attraction and followed my impulse!  Yet I acted purely naturally and entirely honestly.  And I clearly had at least a vague sense of doing something naughty, because of this detail:

It was I, yes, as little as I was, who ‘lured’ this man into a ‘secret’ place where we would not be seen – that amazes me!  So – there really was some thought in my little head about it!  It was obviously unconscious, yet it seems intuitive at least!  I have always been so open to sensory things and also to sensuous things.  I just feel all of it so easily.  I guess it is all truly innate and essentially ‘how I am’ so it is therefore innocent.  But I realize, as I am reviewing this, that if I was really so totally blameless, why then wouldn’t I have done all of that right there in the living room? 

Exactly!

Anyway, when I was called by my mother to say goodbye to him, I did so, but he tried to avert his eyes and just mumbled ‘goodbye’.  He never spoke to me directly again!

Well– if you are reading this – are you incredulous?  Shocked? Disgusted? Upset?  Or are you perhaps intrigued?  Well, I myself surely do have many mixed feelings – but I am trying to be as fully honest as I possibly can about all I am saying here.  It’s a bit painful, no doubt, but I guess I am hoping for some kind of acceptance or advice or understanding at least.  I know I want to accept myself – this aspect of my own character – and I am looking for support, because I hope to understand it; but I don’t think I ever will.

I have to be real – I cannot be otherwise, and though I freely admit that I am often misguided, I am always fully and purely forthcoming in all that I have said and done.  I tell what I feel, but I do keep struggling with what I need to confront.

I want to do this for myself and for anyone else who finds it relevant.  If I don’t do it now, I never will.  But please – do not judge me for my individual ways of being and responding and behaving.  Remember that song?  ‘I’m just a gal who can’t say ‘no’?  Well, I am often very much that girl.

Memories hide yet we seek, and sometimes we do not seek but they find us!  Mine are now confronting me very brazenly, and they are persistent and insistent. Whether I like it or not, I cannot seem to get away from them – neither in my waking hours nor in my dreams. They keep popping up at all kinds of times. They used to be far from the front of my thoughts, but now they sit stubbornly inside my head and keep expanding with more specific details. So, at first there might be some inconsistencies, which I shall do my best to correct, because many details do not emerge immediately, or are not always fully in my mind as I am doing this.  Much of the content of these memories seems dream-like, in that some points are very vivid, and then I later suddenly remember more particular points.  I will do my best to add and amend the accounts as needed.  That’s the nature of memory, so bear with me, if you will!

It seems to me that it’s ‘time’ for me to face this stuff.  It’s been squished away for so long and it will not be ‘silenced’ any longer.  So – here I am.  Well, a close friend who knows a lot about such things says she is very certain that somehow, something did actually happen, that some man did things which triggered that behavior in me, that I never could have gotten that notion to want to kiss G. on the mouth on my own!  Not at that age of 3 years!  Hmmm. 

Ok, but I truly do not recall a single thing that anyone did.  She says I repressed it totally.

Our personal stories are the building blocks of our lives. They shape us. The new path I am on is a thrilling and also sometimes painful discovery, and yet it is sometimes very charmingly comical, despite the intensity.  Yes, I am on this journey, confronting and exploring aspects of my own personality which are perplexing, a bit frightening, yet so compelling, that they draw me ever forward, to what end I do not know.   But I cannot turn away.

And that’s what I want to share.  I feel a pressing need to express what I feel, in order to figure myself out.  I know that I need all the help I can get!  I am coping with the sweetness and the savagery of my new world.  I admit that this is the biggest risk I ever took.  And yes, it’s scary!  So I don’t want to do it alone – that’s why I want to write about it.  I have to tell anyone who is willing to know.  I guess I need some virtual ‘hand-holding’…

Because of a book I wrote, about my current stage of life, I was contacted by a number of people, and I have made really special friends this way.  This is a big thing for me.  The book is ‘out there’ yet highly private – really intimate, and the men and women who have read it know much more about me than most of my family does!  Yeah, I talk to them and I feel close to them – which is quite odd, as I have not ever met most of them in person!

Well, that’s it for now.  I wrote a lot of stuff which I will have trouble explaining and maybe I said a lot I shouldn’t have.  Maybe someone can put their finger on what this is all about?

Published by rozhinka

I am a writer, artist and a woman who is exploring and reflecting on many things. In writing this very personal Diary of Secrets and Fantasies, I am looking backwards in trying to understand myself - and I am looking forward in exploring new paths of pleasure and possibilities. It's a precarious and precious journey. It's already been quite surprising - and often shocking.

9 thoughts on “First Secrets

  1. It’s weird because I have always as long as I can remember sort of the same feelings and situations. I could get very deep and tell things most would condemn. I also think at times I’m just not confirmed to what society has deemed right! I dont know where it comes from but wish I could find someone with same thoughts or fantasy that I have to be completely honest with.

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    1. I couldn’t agree more about ‘what society has deemed right’. We all suffer with trying to conform and to be accepted – I have had so many new paths open to me when I stop trying to be what others want – yet I also do what men want most of the time so maybe I am still in that place. I am learning and seeking and I keep on trying to understand. Open to sharing ideas and views from you always.

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